Uncle Touchy's Puzzle Basement
Feb. 25th, 2011 01:15 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
maypirateA horrible story for your Friday afternoon. :)
"UNCLE TOUCHY'S PUZZLE BASEMENT," as construed by myself and my LiverTwin.
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maypirate: So I dunno if you've noticed.
maypirate: But Chris' status is "Uncle Touchy's Puzzle Basement."
maypirate: And every time I think about that I laugh.
caffeaffogato: yeah
caffeaffogato: is that from something
maypirate: But I think it's hilarious.
maypirate: ANd I keep trying to picture what it would be like.
caffeaffogato: um, illegal?
maypirate: Aside from that.
maypirate: I picture a large, sweaty man with pudgy fingers.
caffeaffogato: ugh
caffeaffogato: ugh
caffeaffogato: ugh
caffeaffogato: why is this a good idea
maypirate: Standing in front of a shelf with like...three old puzzles on it.
maypirate: And all of them are missing pieces.
caffeaffogato: nooooo
caffeaffogato: noooooooo
caffeaffogato: oh noooooooo
maypirate: And there's just a bare lightbulb hanging from the ceiling.
maypirate: And the walls are unfinished brick and wooden beams.
caffeaffogato: oh god
caffeaffogato: it smells like old socks
maypirate: He has a mustache.
caffeaffogato: and furtive sweat
caffeaffogato: and when he opens the door he smiles broadly
maypirate: He says things like "would you like to come to the puzzle basement? :D "
maypirate: And his voice is all low.
maypirate: But excited and trembly.
caffeaffogato: and his teeth reflects the dusty ivory light from the single, bare bulb
caffeaffogato: and you know you shouldn't, but puzzles
caffeaffogato: there are small flecks of old food in his moustache and you can't stop staring
maypirate: His hands are very twitchy.
maypirate: Fingers always wiggling.
caffeaffogato: he rests one on your shoulder
caffeaffogato: and firmly guides you into the doorway
caffeaffogato: you can feel how sweaty and tepid his plam is through your shirt
maypirate: And like you start a puzzle of a basket of kittens, but all the pieces of their faces are missing.
caffeaffogato: OH GOD
maypirate: So you just have a basket of faceless kittens.
maypirate: Also the table where you're putting the puzzle together is damp and sticky.
caffeaffogato: and after only a few pieces your fingers start to feel grimy but you don't want to wipe them off on your trousers because mother will scold
caffeaffogato: and father will turn to face you with that tired, beaten, dead look in his eyes
caffeaffogato: but only briefly before turning back to his drink
caffeaffogato: so you keep picking up the pieces with your grimy fingers
caffeaffogato: and you try not to think about Uncle Touchy's hand on the back of your neck
caffeaffogato: why are we doing this?
maypirate: There's a half-dried brackish puddle in the corner.
maypirate: It seems to have seeped in from under the wall.
maypirate: And Uncle Touchy just stands next to you the whole time.
maypirate: Breathing heavily.
maypirate: Breathing on your hair.
maypirate: Wilting it.
caffeaffogato: oh no
maypirate: Breathing....breathing...
caffeaffogato: no
caffeaffogato: this is a terrible story
maypirate: It really is.
maypirate: Still laughing, though.
caffeaffogato: ugh my soul feels grimy
maypirate: That's the lasting gift of Uncle Touchy's Puzzle Basement.
maypirate: In time, the memories might fade a little.
maypirate: But your soul will never forget.
caffeaffogato: goddamn
caffeaffogato: I hate Uncle Touchy
maypirate: Yeah he's not a real popular figure.
maypirate: No one really wants to invite him to neighborhood events.
maypirate: Where they serve cubed egg sandwiches.
caffeaffogato: I wish I'd never met uncle touchy
You're welcome. :)
"UNCLE TOUCHY'S PUZZLE BASEMENT," as construed by myself and my LiverTwin.
maypirate: So I dunno if you've noticed.maypirate: But Chris' status is "Uncle Touchy's Puzzle Basement."maypirate: And every time I think about that I laugh.caffeaffogato: yeahcaffeaffogato: is that from somethingmaypirate: But I think it's hilarious.maypirate: ANd I keep trying to picture what it would be like.caffeaffogato: um, illegal?maypirate: Aside from that.maypirate: I picture a large, sweaty man with pudgy fingers.caffeaffogato: ughcaffeaffogato: ughcaffeaffogato: ughcaffeaffogato: why is this a good ideamaypirate: Standing in front of a shelf with like...three old puzzles on it.maypirate: And all of them are missing pieces.caffeaffogato: nooooocaffeaffogato: noooooooocaffeaffogato: oh noooooooomaypirate: And there's just a bare lightbulb hanging from the ceiling.maypirate: And the walls are unfinished brick and wooden beams.caffeaffogato: oh godcaffeaffogato: it smells like old socksmaypirate: He has a mustache.caffeaffogato: and furtive sweatcaffeaffogato: and when he opens the door he smiles broadlymaypirate: He says things like "would you like to come to the puzzle basement? :D "maypirate: And his voice is all low.maypirate: But excited and trembly.caffeaffogato: and his teeth reflects the dusty ivory light from the single, bare bulbcaffeaffogato: and you know you shouldn't, but puzzlescaffeaffogato: there are small flecks of old food in his moustache and you can't stop staringmaypirate: His hands are very twitchy.maypirate: Fingers always wiggling.caffeaffogato: he rests one on your shouldercaffeaffogato: and firmly guides you into the doorwaycaffeaffogato: you can feel how sweaty and tepid his plam is through your shirtmaypirate: And like you start a puzzle of a basket of kittens, but all the pieces of their faces are missing.caffeaffogato: OH GODmaypirate: So you just have a basket of faceless kittens.maypirate: Also the table where you're putting the puzzle together is damp and sticky.caffeaffogato: and after only a few pieces your fingers start to feel grimy but you don't want to wipe them off on your trousers because mother will scoldcaffeaffogato: and father will turn to face you with that tired, beaten, dead look in his eyescaffeaffogato: but only briefly before turning back to his drinkcaffeaffogato: so you keep picking up the pieces with your grimy fingerscaffeaffogato: and you try not to think about Uncle Touchy's hand on the back of your neckcaffeaffogato: why are we doing this?maypirate: There's a half-dried brackish puddle in the corner.maypirate: It seems to have seeped in from under the wall.maypirate: And Uncle Touchy just stands next to you the whole time.maypirate: Breathing heavily.maypirate: Breathing on your hair.maypirate: Wilting it.caffeaffogato: oh nomaypirate: Breathing....breathing...caffeaffogato: nocaffeaffogato: this is a terrible storymaypirate: It really is.maypirate: Still laughing, though.caffeaffogato: ugh my soul feels grimymaypirate: That's the lasting gift of Uncle Touchy's Puzzle Basement.maypirate: In time, the memories might fade a little.maypirate: But your soul will never forget.caffeaffogato: goddamncaffeaffogato: I hate Uncle Touchymaypirate: Yeah he's not a real popular figure.maypirate: No one really wants to invite him to neighborhood events.maypirate: Where they serve cubed egg sandwiches.caffeaffogato: I wish I'd never met uncle touchyYou're welcome. :)
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no subject
Date: 2011-02-26 12:22 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-02-27 04:50 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-02-27 02:34 pm (UTC)tho, i guess Uncle Touchy's Puzzle Basement is from Patton Oswalt or something.