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maypirateIn the interest of hopefully bringing joy to some people I know are having a less than stellar day, I present to you this piece of wonderment.
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monkeybobert and I were playing with a UK Cosmo magazine when I went home for spring break (woooooooo) and uh...it instigated a very long and very weird conversation. And you should check it out.
It has some NSFW material and links, but it's awesome. I promise. Bob typed this up and I stole it from her LJ because she locked it like a monkey and I have no morals about posting locked shit when it was my idea to nail the vibrator to the floor! :D
The Cosmo Awards for Services to Sex: Best Sex Toy for Her: Durex Play Wand. They recommend that "you stand with your feet flat on the floor, hip-width apart, then kneel on to the toy and bounce up and down while tilting to towards your stomach" to best hit the G-spot.
You may be reading this thinking, "Well how the fuck are you supposed to do that?" as Amber and I were. So we thought of one possibility: nailing it to the floor. Now, once you go to the trouble of nailing your Durex Play Wand to the floor, do you really want to remove that and lose the convenience? No! So how do you incorporate it into your decor without it being an eyesore and awkward conversation piece? Let us tell you!
You can put a basket or small skirted table on top of it and place flowers or some other decorative piece on it. No one will ever suspect that below it hides your tantalizing toy. Then, like a true Cosmo Girl, the second your company leaves you can rip off your clothes, push away the tasteful table, and get back to bouncing!
There is another consideration when nailing a vibrator to your floor: renting. How do you explain the hole in the floor to your landlord? Do you disclose your delicious secret? Probably not. There is another option that also gives you an added bonus: portability! You can nail your Durex Play Wand to a board. Any simple piece of wood will work. This can be easily stored in a closet or under your bed. Now you can take it with you. We've all been on those long trips when you just don't want to leave your favorite vibrator at home.
This brought us to another essential vibrator related conversation: the fun in being an airport security guard. The things you see! Oh the new worlds you'll discover in other people's luggage. Imagine yourself, a humble security guard, watching the screen as a bizarre object goes through. You eye your buddy and decide you had best inspect this bag. You are a considerate security guard so you take the bag into the next room to inspect it privately and not scare the other patrons. You and your buddy open the bag and pull out the suspect object only to discover that it is a vibrator nailed to a board. Oh how you love your job! Luckily your buddy has his camera so you take lots of shots of each other holding it and laughing. Then, you quietly pack up the luggage and return it to the passenger thanking them for their cooperation. Wish them a pleasant time on board and try not to chuckle. You may wink at the passenger.
Well, we thought, there is clearly a porn movie somewhere in all of this. Picture it: a business is reading a newspaper. A beautiful young woman is seated next to him. The plane starts down the runway and passengers are reminded turn off their electronic devices. The woman reads a magazine (perhaps Cosmo) and the man continues perusing his newspaper. They occasionally share a glance. The attractive flight attendant announces that they may now use electronic devices. The beautiful young woman slowly puts her magazine in her bag and pulls out her vibrator and switches it on. The man raises his eyebrows. She looks over his shoulder and says, "I see your stock is rising." The man smiles, closes his newspaper, and takes control of the vibrator, eliciting a pleasurable moan. The flight attendants come to see what's going on and are soon caught up in the fun. After not hearing from the flight attendants, the pilot decides to see what's going on. He, too, joins the group. The co-pilot is left alone while sexual antics go on in the cabin.
Because we truly shine at coming up with porn that no normal person would enjoy (please reference our idea for two women having sex with the same horse) we came up with a new one for the Durex Play Wand nailed to the floor/a board. This could potentially be a hazzard!! What if you tripped and impaled yourself on it? What if it was sexy? Your mouth could fall on it and you could choke! You could have to go to the hospital and explain your mysterious wounds. There could be a porn movie based on this. For the truly sick of mind.
Other things we considered on reading this particular Cosmo award aricle. The Best Sex Toy for Him was a Mates Intensify Vibrating Condom Ring. This looks a bit like a teething ring. A small, teething child could mistake it for such. If you found your baby teething on your condom ring would you ever mention it again? Neither would we.
This article was on page 86 of the February 2007 UK Edition of Cosmopolitan.
No, really, read it if you didn't. We have problems.
Also, BOB U NEED 2 SEND ME PICTURES FROM NEW YEAR'S! zishdgks!
And yet another day goes by and I fail to achieve anything. At 6 PM, I promise Rafael Trujillo will have my undivided attention. Promise.
Promise.
Okay, maybe.
monkeybobert and I were playing with a UK Cosmo magazine when I went home for spring break (woooooooo) and uh...it instigated a very long and very weird conversation. And you should check it out.It has some NSFW material and links, but it's awesome. I promise. Bob typed this up and I stole it from her LJ because she locked it like a monkey and I have no morals about posting locked shit when it was my idea to nail the vibrator to the floor! :D
The Cosmo Awards for Services to Sex: Best Sex Toy for Her: Durex Play Wand. They recommend that "you stand with your feet flat on the floor, hip-width apart, then kneel on to the toy and bounce up and down while tilting to towards your stomach" to best hit the G-spot.
You may be reading this thinking, "Well how the fuck are you supposed to do that?" as Amber and I were. So we thought of one possibility: nailing it to the floor. Now, once you go to the trouble of nailing your Durex Play Wand to the floor, do you really want to remove that and lose the convenience? No! So how do you incorporate it into your decor without it being an eyesore and awkward conversation piece? Let us tell you!
You can put a basket or small skirted table on top of it and place flowers or some other decorative piece on it. No one will ever suspect that below it hides your tantalizing toy. Then, like a true Cosmo Girl, the second your company leaves you can rip off your clothes, push away the tasteful table, and get back to bouncing!
There is another consideration when nailing a vibrator to your floor: renting. How do you explain the hole in the floor to your landlord? Do you disclose your delicious secret? Probably not. There is another option that also gives you an added bonus: portability! You can nail your Durex Play Wand to a board. Any simple piece of wood will work. This can be easily stored in a closet or under your bed. Now you can take it with you. We've all been on those long trips when you just don't want to leave your favorite vibrator at home.
This brought us to another essential vibrator related conversation: the fun in being an airport security guard. The things you see! Oh the new worlds you'll discover in other people's luggage. Imagine yourself, a humble security guard, watching the screen as a bizarre object goes through. You eye your buddy and decide you had best inspect this bag. You are a considerate security guard so you take the bag into the next room to inspect it privately and not scare the other patrons. You and your buddy open the bag and pull out the suspect object only to discover that it is a vibrator nailed to a board. Oh how you love your job! Luckily your buddy has his camera so you take lots of shots of each other holding it and laughing. Then, you quietly pack up the luggage and return it to the passenger thanking them for their cooperation. Wish them a pleasant time on board and try not to chuckle. You may wink at the passenger.
Well, we thought, there is clearly a porn movie somewhere in all of this. Picture it: a business is reading a newspaper. A beautiful young woman is seated next to him. The plane starts down the runway and passengers are reminded turn off their electronic devices. The woman reads a magazine (perhaps Cosmo) and the man continues perusing his newspaper. They occasionally share a glance. The attractive flight attendant announces that they may now use electronic devices. The beautiful young woman slowly puts her magazine in her bag and pulls out her vibrator and switches it on. The man raises his eyebrows. She looks over his shoulder and says, "I see your stock is rising." The man smiles, closes his newspaper, and takes control of the vibrator, eliciting a pleasurable moan. The flight attendants come to see what's going on and are soon caught up in the fun. After not hearing from the flight attendants, the pilot decides to see what's going on. He, too, joins the group. The co-pilot is left alone while sexual antics go on in the cabin.
Because we truly shine at coming up with porn that no normal person would enjoy (please reference our idea for two women having sex with the same horse) we came up with a new one for the Durex Play Wand nailed to the floor/a board. This could potentially be a hazzard!! What if you tripped and impaled yourself on it? What if it was sexy? Your mouth could fall on it and you could choke! You could have to go to the hospital and explain your mysterious wounds. There could be a porn movie based on this. For the truly sick of mind.
Other things we considered on reading this particular Cosmo award aricle. The Best Sex Toy for Him was a Mates Intensify Vibrating Condom Ring. This looks a bit like a teething ring. A small, teething child could mistake it for such. If you found your baby teething on your condom ring would you ever mention it again? Neither would we.
This article was on page 86 of the February 2007 UK Edition of Cosmopolitan.
No, really, read it if you didn't. We have problems.
Also, BOB U NEED 2 SEND ME PICTURES FROM NEW YEAR'S! zishdgks!
And yet another day goes by and I fail to achieve anything. At 6 PM, I promise Rafael Trujillo will have my undivided attention. Promise.
Promise.
Okay, maybe.
