Bearshark bear shark I will never stop screaming

[maypirate]

THIS IS A TRUE STORY.

Yesterday, I had a day. I lazed. I angsted about writing. I sat with Nicky for a while. I took a nap. I walked to Starbinx where I failed at writing more, stopped by Whole Foods on the way home to get some petit fours from my mother, sewed to X-Files to a while, then went to my parents' house for dinner.

And for some reason decided to mention all the trouble I've been having with my help_japan fic, and my difficulties with writing in general.

..and the short version of the story is that MY DAD MADE ME WRITE KIRK/SULU FANFIC -WHICH HE THEN PROOFREAD- BEFORE I COULD LEAVE THE HOUSE.


This really happened.



My mom reads my LJ. She has for a long time. I know this. I am comfortable with it. I keep few secrets from my parents.

But my dad doesn't read my LJ, not that he's not welcome to, but it makes him nervous. So I assumed that the fact that a lot of the mythical "writing" I talk about is actually fanfiction was unknown to him.

Except that during dinner, he wrenched out of me that not only do I write fanfiction, I write gay Star Trek fanfiction, which for some reason is one of the most horribly embarrassing things I've ever admitted to my father.

But this didn't seem to phase him. No no no, what actually did phase him was the fact that I said I had writer's block and was having so much trouble with the prompt given to me by withthepilot.

WHICH HE THEN MADE ME RELATE TO HIM. IN DETAIL. AND THEN HE STARTED TRYING TO MAKE ME WORK IT OUT. AT THE DINNER TABLE. OVER CHICKEN CURRY WITH PINEAPPLE. WHILE MY MOM LOOKED ON AT MY ABJECT HORROR AND DID NOT PROTECT ME BUT INSTEAD MADE FURTHER SUGGESTIONS, ALL OF WHICH WERE TERRIBLE.

It looked a little something like this:



It eventually involved me trying to relate my conceptions of the characters from the movie, various scenes from it, and why my Sulu voice is "wry and bitter," and why lots of the things he was suggesting were well-worn fic tropes, while my dad posited Greek story themes and made references to NCIS and then he told me I had to write a sentence for the fic, at least 20 words in length.

I don't write longhand. I have a thing about writing longhand.

But because I was threatened with "extreme physical violence" (please note: my dad would never, ever hurt me, but he has a scary face), I did it. While screaming. Oh there was much screaming. I may in fact never stop screaming internally.

But then I did it.

AND THEN HE READ THE SENTENCE OUT LOUD.

AND THEN HE MADE ME WRITE MORE.

AND I DID IT WHY DID I DO IT

And so the evening devolved into me lying on my living room floor, 28 years old, being forced by my father to compose the beginnings of a gay fanfic while my mother did nothing to stop it. Or something like that.

And he approved of it.

So you see, in conclusion, my father, my greatest critic other than myself, approved of my words. Which is astounding, but utterly blows my mind in conjunction with the fact that he MADE ME WRITE GAY ST FANFIC AT HIM< LONGHAND, AND I DID IT AND WHY DID I DO IT I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING ANYMORE I JUST WANTED TO EAT PETIT FOURS WITH MY MOM THE END.

never stop screaming never stop screaming


...he wants to see the rest by Wednesday. I may have to find a very quick way to leave the country.

Comments

[intrastellar.livejournal.com]

You should come and stay with me! I am totally out of the country.

(I still feel bad for laughing at this post.)

[maypirate.livejournal.com]

I WILL START PACKING THE PIGS AND MY T-SHIRT COLLECTION NOW.

[canis-takahari.livejournal.com]

And so the evening devolved into me lying on my living room floor, 28 years old, being forced by my father to compose the beginnings of a gay fanfic while my mother did nothing to stop it. Or something like that.

DKSDFKSDJF OH MY GOD

[maypirate.livejournal.com]

THIS REALLY HAPPENED. THIS IS A TRUE STORY OF REAL EVENTS THAT HAPPENED TO ME.

[wofl-iron.livejournal.com]

I shouldn't be laughing, but the serenity of your mother's face throughout the whole thing has me in fits. (As well as, y'know, your father making you write gay st fanfic omfg)

This is the best story I have heard today and I totally read a news article earlier about a woman crashing her car because she was shaving her hoohah. This beats that by far.

[harukaceles.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry that this had to happen to you, but I can very clearly picture everything you are describing, down to your dad's scary face, and I just can't help giggling.

[look-alive.livejournal.com]

Oh. Oh my god.

Okay, wow, I didn't think anyone on my flist could compete with my OHFUCKOHFUCK MY CLIENT FOUND OUT I READ/DRAW FOR GAY FANFICTION meltdown, but...

congratulations.

Wanna curl up and die in the corner together?

[jazzy-peaches.livejournal.com]

[sail-aweigh.livejournal.com]

::giggles, tries to cover it up, giggles some more::

Okay, probably the most embarrassing thing EVER, but I'm glad he did it. GLAD, I SAY!

You wrote. YOU WROTE. YAYAYAYAY! YOU WROTE!

::passes you the chocolate::

[soda-and-capes.livejournal.com]

. . . This is the best thing I have ever heard in my entire, entire life.

[infinityduck.livejournal.com]

Wait... you write gay fanfic?

[reikah.livejournal.com]

... oh, bb.

i missed your DRAWINGS OF AWESOME so much <33333333333333333

[silver-miko.livejournal.com]

Trying not to giggle, I really am, but it is giggleworthy and even though it is embarassing and I'm sure your Casshern scientiest dad is scary but it's cool he wanted to help you write and approved.

But do tell me when the lambs stop screaming, Clarice.

[fourfreedoms.livejournal.com]

This is too amazing for words.

"Maybe Sulu's family all have a weird disease!" AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH.

Oh parents.

[monkeybobert.livejournal.com]

HAHAHAHAHA! Oh your parents. I like how accurate the drawings and quotes are. I can imagine witnessing this entire scenario.

But I'm happy you wrote and that your biggest critic is supporting whatever endeavors you take on. Go forth, daughter, and write of the gay porn!

[cecilmcgrlybts.livejournal.com]

This is the greatest thing of any kind. It made me happy to hear of it.

[withthepilot.livejournal.com]

I enjoy the illustrations in this. Very emotive.

[weilide.livejournal.com]

Your parents win at parenting, the internet. Game, set, match.

[sarayan.livejournal.com]

AAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!

[kleptoneko.livejournal.com]

hehehehe, i've always loved your family and your dad is awesome XD

[sedesla.livejournal.com]

That is AMAZING. I'm horrified for you, but at the same time I can't stop laughing.

I read my WoW shenanigans to my mother, but I pretend Koltira is a woman. It makes everything much simpler. Incidentally, I can now replace pronouns as I read and adjust whole sentences to work for the opposite gender without pausing, if needed. I don't think I can put that on a job application, though.

Using this icon in honor of your dad.

[sink-or-swim.livejournal.com]

Now that I've met your parents I can picture all of this in its glory.

Maybe my mom can talk to your dad about being supportive of writing "the gay fic."

[mrasaki.livejournal.com]

DUDE. WHATEVER WORKS. :D

AND YOUR PARENTS ARE AWESOME.


soooo....does this mean that your fic is underway?

[feels-like-fire.livejournal.com]

Baby, I laughed aaaaall the way through this, but as Jo may or may not have told you, you are so not alone on this.

Not only have I A) written K/S fic and told both of my parents about it, and not only B) has my mother already read my PRETTY WOMAN K/S AU FIC and liked it, C) I've sent the same fic to my dad and he plans to read it, and D) my dad already knew what K/S was and actually copied HARDCOPY SEVENTIES K/S ZINE FIC THAT ONE OF HIS FRIENDS HAD WRITTEN FOR ME AND HER.

I may never recover. But I do feel your pain.

brb still laughing

[minigendo.livejournal.com]

It was mortifying, I'm sure, but at the same time, you have pretty awesome parents.

I am reminded of a webcomic someone linked me to:
http://oglaf.com/media/comic/blankpage.jpg (Be careful, the individual comic probably isn't work safe, and the other comics on the site definitely aren't).

Not knowing your parents, I can't say for sure, but I imagine they have taken an interest because you're interested, and they want you do to well.

[thalialunacy.livejournal.com]

This is quite possibly the best entry I've ever read about writing fanfic.