From such great heights

[maypirate]

I'm a little lost.

I can't seem to pay attention in class. I guess this was one of the advantages of ceasing to talk to Pairaka for nearly two years during my first years of college, not that I want to go back to that.

Obviously, there are ways to get around this, I'm just not...mentally...capable of making the leap...yet...I think...

I deliberately and with great joy tried to crush someone's dreams about Japan today. It's things like this that make me realize how dark a person I've become and how much potentially negative karma I've been racking up. I assume this is the reason my laptop killed itself last night. Touche, touche.

And I need to do something, be something, find something, something that will get me into a graduate school with a full ride and something that I will be happy to work with. If I could only articulate what I want to do. If I could focus...

I find myself missing the bare bones of Japan, and the people that I was there with, because here doesn't fit quite right anymore and these aren't the people I wish they were, and I've lost something.

Whatever. I get too prosaic. I should take up yoga or assaulting people on the street. I need to just sit with myself and some paper and figure what I want to do with everything.

And this comes out sounding so dark, but...I don't feel upset. Just confused, and a lot like Frodo at the end of "Return of the King": "How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on, when in your heart, you begin to understand... there is no going back? There are some things that time cannot mend. Some hurts that go too deep...that have taken hold."

That's pretty much my thoughts about Oberlin and Japan and where they connect.

I wish my computer worked.

Now bring me that fucking horizon, and someone to go on my tour.

Comments

[harukaceles.livejournal.com]

What about taking up killing people? I thought that was something we decided would be fun for you to do.