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I have a complicated relationship with New York.
I have a complicated relationship with many places, but I can explain this one more than others, and therefore why I have trouble going there. It's in sections, I don't know if it's cohesive.
( We went to NY this time to see my grandfather... )
When I was little I loved New York, and now that I'm older I've come to realize what I loved was everything it symbolized for me, seeing my family, going shopping with my grandmother, wishing I was in a Broadway show.
( When my grandmother died, everything changed. )
I am uncomfortable in New York. I feel very clearly that I don't belong and I don't want to be there. It annoys me that I can't escape it in TV or film; it bores me in angry ways, as if I'm something less because I don't worship the city. This time I noticed that a lot of the buildings looked very old and dingy.
Some of it has to do with the fact that now that I've seen Tokyo, New York is nothing in comparison. And I'm still not explaining this well, because even in this rejection there's a profound sadness and a sense of loss, a shame and a guilt that I've betrayed something precious.
Not that it was a terrible trip, because it wasn't at all. I saw Megan and we walked all over on Friday and hung out in her and Josh's apartment and watched movies and it was lovely. Saturday night we had a wonderful dinner with my grandmother's cousin, my grandfather, and my uncle, and it was warm and happy. Sunday even when I wanted to leave I calmed down by rubbing my grandfather's shoulders for an hour.
I don't know when I'll next be in New York, but I imagine it will be for another funeral. And then...?
It's all a big mess, and so is this entry. But now it's written, so.
I have a complicated relationship with many places, but I can explain this one more than others, and therefore why I have trouble going there. It's in sections, I don't know if it's cohesive.
( We went to NY this time to see my grandfather... )
When I was little I loved New York, and now that I'm older I've come to realize what I loved was everything it symbolized for me, seeing my family, going shopping with my grandmother, wishing I was in a Broadway show.
( When my grandmother died, everything changed. )
I am uncomfortable in New York. I feel very clearly that I don't belong and I don't want to be there. It annoys me that I can't escape it in TV or film; it bores me in angry ways, as if I'm something less because I don't worship the city. This time I noticed that a lot of the buildings looked very old and dingy.
Some of it has to do with the fact that now that I've seen Tokyo, New York is nothing in comparison. And I'm still not explaining this well, because even in this rejection there's a profound sadness and a sense of loss, a shame and a guilt that I've betrayed something precious.
Not that it was a terrible trip, because it wasn't at all. I saw Megan and we walked all over on Friday and hung out in her and Josh's apartment and watched movies and it was lovely. Saturday night we had a wonderful dinner with my grandmother's cousin, my grandfather, and my uncle, and it was warm and happy. Sunday even when I wanted to leave I calmed down by rubbing my grandfather's shoulders for an hour.
I don't know when I'll next be in New York, but I imagine it will be for another funeral. And then...?
It's all a big mess, and so is this entry. But now it's written, so.
