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maypirateI have a complicated relationship with New York.
I have a complicated relationship with many places, but I can explain this one more than others, and therefore why I have trouble going there. It's in sections, I don't know if it's cohesive.
And I don't know whether to say if he's doing well or not. He's 93 and in curious health. Without my uncle as his fulltime caretaker, there is no question he wouldn't be here. So he and my uncle have a very important relationship, but one that is sometimes hard to observe.
That and the fact that I'm afraid of my grandfather dying at any given moment. I approach visiting with a caution that should be unnecessary and is unfair - my grandfather loves me and loves to see me. And I'm scared of death.
The blood relatives of the Cohen family can be counted on one hand, and while I think his passing would be a tragedy, for my uncle (and perhaps for him) it would also be a release... and yet I don't want to think about it because I don't know, because it's scary.
New York was never the same after my grandmother died. I'm not sure what it would be without my grandfather too.
When I was little I loved New York, and now that I'm older I've come to realize what I loved was everything it symbolized for me, seeing my family, going shopping with my grandmother, wishing I was in a Broadway show.
My grandmother (Nanny) died of lung cancer when I was 13, and New York was ruined. The last time I saw her was Thanksgiving, and she was upset with the situation, the tumors had spread to her brain, it was hard and terrible to see. It was the worst Thanksgiving ever, and I mean that without humor.
For years my grandmother and my dad had a complex relationship, and in the spring before she died they had a fight that was never resolved. There were complications with my dad and his brother for years, and in all this, New York became a place of malcontent, of unhappiness, of fear and sadness and some feeling I can never shake that's always wrong.
I am uncomfortable in New York. I feel very clearly that I don't belong and I don't want to be there. It annoys me that I can't escape it in TV or film; it bores me in angry ways, as if I'm something less because I don't worship the city. This time I noticed that a lot of the buildings looked very old and dingy.
Some of it has to do with the fact that now that I've seen Tokyo, New York is nothing in comparison. And I'm still not explaining this well, because even in this rejection there's a profound sadness and a sense of loss, a shame and a guilt that I've betrayed something precious.
Not that it was a terrible trip, because it wasn't at all. I saw Megan and we walked all over on Friday and hung out in her and Josh's apartment and watched movies and it was lovely. Saturday night we had a wonderful dinner with my grandmother's cousin, my grandfather, and my uncle, and it was warm and happy. Sunday even when I wanted to leave I calmed down by rubbing my grandfather's shoulders for an hour.
I don't know when I'll next be in New York, but I imagine it will be for another funeral. And then...?
It's all a big mess, and so is this entry. But now it's written, so.
I have a complicated relationship with many places, but I can explain this one more than others, and therefore why I have trouble going there. It's in sections, I don't know if it's cohesive.
And I don't know whether to say if he's doing well or not. He's 93 and in curious health. Without my uncle as his fulltime caretaker, there is no question he wouldn't be here. So he and my uncle have a very important relationship, but one that is sometimes hard to observe.
That and the fact that I'm afraid of my grandfather dying at any given moment. I approach visiting with a caution that should be unnecessary and is unfair - my grandfather loves me and loves to see me. And I'm scared of death.
The blood relatives of the Cohen family can be counted on one hand, and while I think his passing would be a tragedy, for my uncle (and perhaps for him) it would also be a release... and yet I don't want to think about it because I don't know, because it's scary.
New York was never the same after my grandmother died. I'm not sure what it would be without my grandfather too.
When I was little I loved New York, and now that I'm older I've come to realize what I loved was everything it symbolized for me, seeing my family, going shopping with my grandmother, wishing I was in a Broadway show.
My grandmother (Nanny) died of lung cancer when I was 13, and New York was ruined. The last time I saw her was Thanksgiving, and she was upset with the situation, the tumors had spread to her brain, it was hard and terrible to see. It was the worst Thanksgiving ever, and I mean that without humor.
For years my grandmother and my dad had a complex relationship, and in the spring before she died they had a fight that was never resolved. There were complications with my dad and his brother for years, and in all this, New York became a place of malcontent, of unhappiness, of fear and sadness and some feeling I can never shake that's always wrong.
I am uncomfortable in New York. I feel very clearly that I don't belong and I don't want to be there. It annoys me that I can't escape it in TV or film; it bores me in angry ways, as if I'm something less because I don't worship the city. This time I noticed that a lot of the buildings looked very old and dingy.
Some of it has to do with the fact that now that I've seen Tokyo, New York is nothing in comparison. And I'm still not explaining this well, because even in this rejection there's a profound sadness and a sense of loss, a shame and a guilt that I've betrayed something precious.
Not that it was a terrible trip, because it wasn't at all. I saw Megan and we walked all over on Friday and hung out in her and Josh's apartment and watched movies and it was lovely. Saturday night we had a wonderful dinner with my grandmother's cousin, my grandfather, and my uncle, and it was warm and happy. Sunday even when I wanted to leave I calmed down by rubbing my grandfather's shoulders for an hour.
I don't know when I'll next be in New York, but I imagine it will be for another funeral. And then...?
It's all a big mess, and so is this entry. But now it's written, so.
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no subject
Date: 2009-01-13 06:08 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-01-14 02:18 am (UTC)I have a love/hate with the city that I am actually still trying to figure out so I kind of understand a little, but your reasons are much more tangible.