Give him the stick DON'T GIVE HIM THE STICK

[maypirate]

So this morning I was sitting, minding my own business, when all of a sudden, one of my nemeses showed up. I immediately had to tell everyone I was talking to on gmail about it:

maypirate:There's a house centipede about three feet away from me.
maypirate:Sitting.
maypirate:Waiting.
maypirate:It's all stripey.
maypirate:Its many protrusions are striped.
maypirate:I'm afraid if I don't keep a close eye on it, it will run over my toes.
maypirate:OH GOD IT JUST MADE A BREAK FOR WHERE I WAS ABOUT TO GO STAND
maypirate:IT KNOWS MY MIND

Their reactions were varied:

starsandgraces: Is it at work?
starsandgraces:Then don't worry
starsandgraces: You will leave and it will die

jactrades: just don't go near anything
jactrades: ever again
jactrades: and keep an eye on the ceiling
jactrades: in case it climbs and then FALLS

jou: egad
jou: drop a book on it!

caffeaffogato: OSHIT
caffeaffogato: SDAD
caffeaffogato: ASDFKL;JAS;DL
caffeaffogato: WELRK

I freakin' hate house centipedes, and if you are not familiar with them, they look like this (warning: DO NOT CLICK IF YOU WANT TO BELIEVE IN A WORLD THAT IS GOOD AND JUST) and they move like the goddamn wind and now it's hiding somewhere between the counter and the porn bin, dreaming of crawling up my pants and touching me with its six trillion horrible stripey legs.

Wikipedia has this to say about them:

In 1902, C.L. Marlatt, an entomologist with the United States Department of Agriculture wrote a brief description of the house centipede:

It may often be seen darting across floors with very great speed, occasionally stopping suddenly and remaining absolutely motionless, presently to resume its rapid movements, often darting directly at inmates of the house, particularly women, evidently with a desire to conceal itself beneath their dresses, and thus creating much consternation.

Consterfuckingnation indeed, Mr. Marlatt.

So um. That's been my morning. How are you?

Addendum:

maypirate: I think it's safely behind the porn now.
starsandgraces: Oh, thank goodness
starsandgraces: I hope it jumps out at someone renting porn
starsandgraces: That would be hilarious
maypirate: That would fucking make my life.
starsandgraces: if you find its body, put it inside the case for Human Centipede
maypirate: *laaaaaaaaaaaaaughs*
starsandgraces: *reasons no one will ever hire me*
maypirate: I would hire you for just that reason.

Comments

[soda-and-capes.livejournal.com]

ACTUAL WORST CREATURE

Ohgod they were all through my dorm in college, TIMES TEN when I lived in a basement room, and THEY ALWAYS GOT ON THE CEILING, AAAAAAAAAH D: D: D: D:

[maypirate.livejournal.com]

There was one in my room sophomore year and it prompted so much screaming and hilarity, but I can't imagine having to deal with them ALL THE TIME.

Brrrrr. Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

[canis-takahari.livejournal.com]

OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD HOUSE CENTIPEDES OH GOD THE FUCKING HORROR. I hate them so much. Once, I was innocently curled up in bed reading a book, and out of the corner of my eye, I saw something MOVE. There, on the wall parallel to me, clinging to the baseboard like a fucking ninja, was a goddamned house centipede. Of course, once you spot one of those motherfuckers, any thoughts of sleep quickly evaporate until you can hunt and kill it. I pulled half my furniture away from the walls to get it. THEY ARE LIKE THE WIND. HAIRY STRIPEY LONG-LEGGED WIND.

Also, NO JOKE ABOUT THE FALLING FROM THE CEILING THING, that happened to me once.

[maypirate.livejournal.com]

YOUR STORY IS TERRIBLE BUT SHOULD BE TOLD TO EVERYONE SO THEY KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE

I'm so sorry these things happened to you. *holds you*

[junemermaid.livejournal.com]

Oh god dammit I hate those things FFFFFFFFFFF. I didn't see one the entire time I was living down South but no sooner I moved back into a wooded northern house they started appearing and freaking my shit out >:( They're on par with spiders for giving me the barfing-chills

[maypirate.livejournal.com]

*laughs* "Barfing-chills." Yeah that's a good word for it. I don't recall ever seeing one until my first day of driver's ed, which was in a kind of sketchy basement. And I was like "OH GOD WHAT IS THAT THING, THAT THING THAT MOVES LIKE A SHADOW?"

Our store is kind of dank, so I'm not surprised they hang out there, but I'm always unhappy to see them.

[lisa-thomas.livejournal.com]

ew.

At least your entry gave me laughs on the reactions! :D Sorry you had to fight this monsterous beast!

[maypirate.livejournal.com]

I'm glad it made you laugh, that's really the most important part. ;) <3

[starsandgraces]

You could also attempt to tame it.

[jactrades]

I would hire you like a million times if you told me to tame a centipede in an interview.

[starsandgraces]

Unfortunately, I seem to be internet eccentric and real-life terrifying. :(

[maypirate.livejournal.com]

"YIELD TO MY MIGHTY BE-LEGGED BEAST!"

Or maybe I should have caught it and released it in my boss' office. Remind me of that next time.

[reikah.livejournal.com]

WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT THING



EJKRHT/JKTHZEJKYHJKZY5H

NO

[maypirate.livejournal.com]

DO YOU NOT HAVE THEM IN ENGLAND? MAYBE I SHOULD MAIL YOU A BOX OF THEM WOULD YOU LIKE THAT I BET YOU WOULDN'T :D

Come back to America, they want to meet you! <3

[reikah.livejournal.com]

NO WE DO NOT HAVE THEM IN THE UK AND NO I AM NOT COMING BACK TO AMERICA

WITH HOURS OF MY ARRIVAL IN FLORIDA I WAS SHARING A SHOWER WITH A PALMETTO BUG AND I SCREAMED LIKE A LITTLE GIRL AND WAS LIKE, OK, THAT'S TERRIFYING BUT THIS IS THE SOUTH AND SURELY NOT EVERYWHERE IS LIKE THAT

THEN I FIND THE NORTH HAS FUCKING CEILING CENTIPEDES WATCHING U MASTERBATE AND NOW

/NEVER EVER COMING BACK/

[tsaiko.livejournal.com]

I remember the first time my partner saw one.

"What is that?"
"Oh.. it's a house centipede."
"That is not a bug. That is some sort of hairy abomination. It a crime against nature."

Which pretty much sums it up.

[maypirate.livejournal.com]

Yeah, that's the most accurate description you can really give. Six legs is really my limit for anything that doesn't live in the ocean.

[monkeybobert.livejournal.com]

Wow! I like Chen-ya's reaction. I haven't seen a centipede recently, but man do those things move like the wind. We just have mice and work and at home. I can deal with them.

Except when they die under the sofa and we only find them by the smell. *shudder*

[maypirate.livejournal.com]

Your apartment is such a magical wonderland! I think you should post pictures so I have a better image of what you're surrounded by as you die of heat and smell rotting meese.

[marciadanielle.livejournal.com]

Wow, I never knew what a house centipede was before this. And ewwwwwwww. Gross!! I'm glad I've never seen one, I'd be terrified.

[maypirate.livejournal.com]

I'm glad I could educate you! I think! You might not actually be glad to know, but. ;)

I hope you never do have to see one. The combination of legs and speed is just horrifying.

[shipwreck-light.livejournal.com]

You sure he wasn't on his way to rent "100 Hot Legs"?

[maypirate.livejournal.com]

*laaaaaaaaaaaaaaughs*

Man, who knows. He probably wanted "Locker Room Cumbath" or "Firemen, Policemen, Cops and Cocks." Or hopefully my favorite, "Irrational Sex Intruders."

The porn bin is covered in filth anyway, I'm sure he fit right in.

[shipwreck-light.livejournal.com]

"Irrational Sex Intruders."

...was this made before or after the bed intruder song?

[kleptoneko.livejournal.com]

my initial reaction upon seeing this post is... "oh, at least it wasn't a cockroach"

there was this one time back at college where i was reading in bed and one of those house centipedes dropped on the book i was reading. in front of my face.

enough said.

[maypirate.livejournal.com]

I remember when you stomped on that cockroach after "Guys and Dolls." It is a moment ever etched in my memory.

THIS IS THE WORST STORY I HAVE EVER HEARD TODAY

[qetuo4756.livejournal.com]

D: THOSE THINGS. They're like, 'Now you see me, poof, now you don't.' IT'S MAGIC. AAH, how do these things work?!

If you manage to kill it, don't forget to check at least ten times if it's dead. You don't want to turn your back on it, only to feel a weird sensation on your legs.

[maypirate.livejournal.com]

I DON'T KNOW, I DON'T KNOW, SOBSOBSOB WHY ARE THEY WHYYYY

I didn't see it again after it went and hid behind the porn. I can only hope that it died there or made its way to another part of the store.

Maybe its waiting to crawl on my boss. I'd be all for that. :F

[crazyloststar.livejournal.com]

OMG THAT IS TERRIFYING