Please don't touch my huge dick

[maypirate]

I have returned from Maryland, but this time tomorrow I will be on my way home to Wisconsin (SASSIEST STATE IN THE UNION BITCHIZZZZ). Sure, these things warrant talking about, but we're here to discuss something else.

For whatever reason, my W&M account gets massive amounts of spam, most of it advertising for "MegaDik." While this is insanely obnoxious, some of the subject lines and content of these messages are truly incredible.



Make your nights of love more passionate and long!

Make them..."more long?" Oh grammar! Who needs you? This message was sent to me from "Nosgnohe."

Beat her womb with your new big rod, so that she knew who wears the pants!

......O.O Do not want. Do not ever, ever want.

May i ask why you're so unhappy with your dic'k?

Er, well I'm a girl, and I identify as a girl, so it's a bit unsightly, you know?

Add some more male meat to your package!

Perhaps a HAM DILDO?!?!

She will certainly appreciate your new dic'k at its true value!

My wang has great growth potential.

Your baby-maker needs to be bigger in order to perform its functions well

Nghgghhghghhhh...*shuddering*

Obtain a male package that all your buds would envy!

Be the first one on your block! Shipping and handling not included, please allow 4-6 weeks for delivery.

You'll never be unhappy in bed anymore!

You'll be miserable instead.

Overstep the bounds of the impossible - enlarge your phallus!

To infinity, and beyond!

But dude, this is quality. I don't even know what to make of the fact that now they're trying to sell enhancement drugs through clever limmericks.

Now that you've got a babe that's hot
You wanna nail her dripping twat.
She's so attractive, she's so nice!
But would your penile size suffice?
Not sure she will yearn for more?
You need a dic'k she would adore!
But how to make it long and thick?
Your only hope is MegaDik!
You'll get so wanted super-size
And see wild craving in her eyes!
Your rod will stuff her poon so deep,
Tonight you'll hardly fall asleep!
So try today this wonder-pi'll
And change your life at your own will!

There's really nothing I can say about that. I mean...it really just is what it is. It's...it's...yeah.

But this is my absolute favorite (and if you've known me long enough, or if your name is "Tony" or "Sarah" or "Jes," you'll know what to do):

The guys get jealous now when they see me in the bathroom

Say it with me! "NOW THEY JUST STARE; AND VOMIT ALL OVER MY HUUUUUUUUUUUGE DICK."


And just so everyone knows, apparently my name has changed:

To: "Thad U. Maddox" acohe@wm.edu

It's very manly and tough. Now I understand those manly urges where I just want to kill something, fix things, cook outdoors...

And scene.

Comments

[junemermaid.livejournal.com]

THIS POST IS BRILLIANT.

"Your rod will stuff her poon so deep,
Tonight you'll hardly fall asleep!"


BRILLIANT!

[maypirate.livejournal.com]

Thank you, thank you, but the real credit goes to people like Noghgoah or however you spell it, who took the time out of their busy schedules to pen such a Shakespearian caliber gem.

Or whatever.

[wofl-iron.livejournal.com]

I never knew you were so insufficient in the penis department, May. Wowee.

*snickers*

[maypirate.livejournal.com]

IT'S A PERSONAL PROBLEM AND I'LL THANK YOU NOT TO MAKE FUN OF IT *runs away sobbing*

[wofl-iron.livejournal.com]

oh ow. Don't make me laugh! It makes me cough and that hurts.

Aw baby! You know size doesn't really matter! It's what you do with it! :p

[jou.livejournal.com]

They've taken a little time off from making up more eye-peeling euphemisms to write poetry??? Perhaps it should be commended. Gold star.

[homoshiroi.livejournal.com]

I made retarded gagging noises at that poem. Someone sat down and wrote that. Someone out there.

[soda-and-capes.livejournal.com]

But how to make it long and thick?
Your only hope is MegaDik!

AHAHAH MY MORNING = MADE!

[feast.livejournal.com]

YOU WERE SO CLOSE TO ME. :'(

That's some interesting spam. Especially the womb beating, WTF. At least Megadik has the creativity to throw in some poetry.

[valorously.livejournal.com]

This post! She is amazing. ♥ (Probably because I don't think I've EVER opened one of these emails. You wiiin!)

I keep trying to find a really terrible pun in Thad U. Maddox, but alas!

Suddenly I need a Mulan icon.

[j-daisy.livejournal.com]

*dies* This post is hilarious and makes me grateful for the existence of Medadix, amazingly. Is it wrong that the most annoying thing to me is that they couldn't be bothered to spell "dicks" correctly? Stupid spelling does not make a product more manly!

Do you live anywhere near Madison or the University of Wisconsin?

[maypirate.livejournal.com]

I am in fact from Madison, and my parents both work on the university! Why do you ask? :D

[j-daisy.livejournal.com]

I've just heard such wonderful thing about Madison, and I was thinking of applying there next year. :)

[maypirate.livejournal.com]

I love it when I'm two weeks late, but I was just remembering this comment and I wanted to say "YES YOU SHOULD DO THIS THING."

Because Madison is beautiful and wonderful and I'll be back there too, working downtown at the greatest video store in the whole world. The excitement will never end!

[recrudescence.livejournal.com]

I NEVER WANT TO SEE A NAKED MAN AGAIN. =)

[monkeybobert.livejournal.com]

Hi Thad! I love your new name - I bet you have a huuuge dick to go with it. This made me laugh and laugh and make me want to ask you to please not touch my huuuge dick.

I can't wait until you get back tomorrow!! I will call you or you me or both and maybe you'll even tell me in a surly tone that you do not have any food in your house. It will be marvelous!